Here we go again

It has started. Again. The spiraling. The self doubt. The jealousy. The thought of giving up.

They were screaming at me. And i don't feel good. I started to believe them. That i should just give up. That other people is better than me and no one is booking me because i'm shit.

Yesterday was pretty eye opening to me. And to my partner for the least. I had a fail moment with my client's hair. She was SO PATIENT to me. I know that she was pissed, but I insisted to stay. I stayed for 3 whole hours, the plan was just 1.5 hrs. She wanted me to straighten her hair first, then curl. Because she hated the "puffy" feeling as she has a naturally wavy hair. Guess what? I made few mistakes that day. I didn't bring my hair straightener :) because I ASSUMED it was just a curl. Oh boy i was wrong. Second i didn't bring my usual curling iron. i just brought the tong version without clamp. Why? I don't know. I thought it would be enough. I should ALWAYS bring that one as well. And third, my mistake was depending my life to my partner. He is amazing. It's just because i've always been the "independent girl" now that i can't drive here (despite i'm doing mobile) really killing our relationship i guess. I feel bad. but if he didn't drive me yesterday, I'd ended up dying probably, it was pretty rural & no bus. But i made him suffer by waiting for 3 hrs.

It was a hell of a learning. She kept saying I really love the makeup, and even at the end she said OH YES THIS IS IT. which i stupidly didn't record. but hell i know she was happy with my work.

But that day, i realised, i need to buy a proper hair straightener (the expensive ones) i have the cheap babyliss because i thought i wouldn't need a hair straightener but after 2 clients that actually need proper hair straightening, I decided it's time to buy one. And I'm picking it up today. I got preloved one for $90 and a proper hairdryer. Just like my partner said, being cheap sometimes costs you more. He's so right and I admit that. Now I'm actually investing for proper tools & i'm more confident for future clients.

This makeup thing has been a learning curve. A helly journey. Not necessarily in a bad way, just a learning and it doesn't always feel good. I realised i need a lot of things. Like pouches for this and that. More waterproof eyeliners, better tools, better brush, better certain types of hair brush, and then lighting, camera stuff. It feels never ending. I thought I will have everything I need by now, but not really. But then, I started small & look at me now. Fully equipped, lucky & stronger than ever.

Another learning would be dealing with rejections. I've got several inquiries (mind you i've been trying to get inquiries) and when I do, i got rejections. I've asked them why they did not booking and it was mainly because of they found someone who specialises in certain style.

I was confident that I'm going to do this my way. Even if it's dragging me down. But i started to consider it. It always money. Money. Money. But even if I follow the trend, is success guaranteed? Also a no. So I think i'll keep doing things I feel right :)

Navigating jealousy - I've been trying to minimise social media (especially the ones I unconsciously treat as competitors for no logical reason, just some weird gravitational pull. And I hate that I do this) but i keep reminding myself that, the battle is between you and you. I've chatted with some other entrepreneurs, they all said the same thing. The hardest battle is with yourself. Which is what's been happening to me.

30 mins in writing this (also with some breaks in between) I actually felt better now. I woke up early today and was about to cry when I started writing, but not anymore. My chest feels lighter, my head's cleared up.

I've also looking at my income since January. i've managed to get $9.7K. I didn't think this is possible. And I'm set for $10K in few days. It's pretty crazy. So i guess all i need to take a look back and see how i've come so far.

From no studio to a cute pink nice studio (still not perfect but we're getting there!)
Lighting situation - from a single hand light - to a decent panel light

Now i can say i found the perfect tripods for both content creation and lighting situation

I can afford going back to Indo and have some portfolio session (hopefully more bookings from this!!!)

I have a lot to look up to. I have a lot of blessings. People around me has been crazy supportive.

I'm going to get ready, do some flyering before i pick up my new bougie hairdryer and straightener, never thought i'd be in this position to buy more than $30 hair tools. Weird. But it's happening. I'm going to give my all. As i always say.

one step back, for 2 3 steps forward.

I'm gonna make it.